Why do you poly? Why do you have an open marriage? These are questions that have been bouncing around in my head for a few weeks, consuming much of my thought time. I know why I poly. I know why I want an open marriage. I will share my reasons in this post and I hope you might do the same in the comments.
Let me start with this, I am not monogamous. Honestly, I never have been. However, I didn’t realize being non-monogamous was an option before I met my husband / Daddy 14 years ago. He introduced me to swinging. Swinging introduced us to poly and poly introduced us to open relationships. Somewhere in the midst of all of that we discovered kink and BDSM. Some of these concepts have been much easier to accept and institute into our marriage than others. And, like most good, functional and happy non-monogamous couples we have created our own special non-monogamous dynamic, stitched together with a little swinging, a little poly, a tiny bit of openness and lots and lots and lots of love, communication, brutal honesty, understanding, compromise and talking…. talking… talking… and did I mention, talking… that works for us.
Poly and openness, non-monogamy of any kind, is hard work. Monogamous relationships are hard work, adding more people and their personalities, their quirks, their baggage, their emotions… makes it even harder. It is not an easy road (for lots of different reasons, that I won’t be going into in this post). I think, because of that additional level of difficulty, the answers to those questions become vitally important. The work and effort required for any relationship have to be worth the rewards of that relationship. So, I ask myself again. Why poly? Why open? Why non-monogamy?
The first and most obvious answer for me is that non-monogamy just fits for me. I need lots of different kinds of people in my life. I need all sorts of connections. I need the energy and excitement of new possibilities. At the same time, I also need stability, safety, a commitment and dedication I never have to question. I need deep and long lasting, well known love. I need comfortable. I need the kind of trust that only years together and having gone through a lifetime of good times and hard times brings. I need the deep connection of my soul to Daddy’s. I need the kind of love that gets into your heart and takes up residence there. I need familiar, I need intense. I need the love I have with Daddy. I need both sides of that coin. I think that is what defines non-monogamy for me.
I need to be able to love and be loved in whatever way the connections I have with other people demand. For some people I connect with, it is just friendship. For others, something just a little deeper and for a few (a very select few), the connection demands love. Allowed to let those connections develop naturally, is something that I have learned that I need desperately in my life to feel balanced and whole. I have been truly blessed with an amazing man who, while not always ready to jump in feet first into every adventure I would drag him along on, is willing to discuss new things, willing to try new things, willing to explore different areas and to see what works for us and what doesn’t.
After recognizing that non-monogamy just simply fits me, I do non-monogamy because I am a have all the experiences kind of girl and non-monogamy allows for that kind of life. The more we connect with other human beings, the more open we are open to allowing other lives, beliefs, knowledge bases and experiences to touch our own, the more enhanced and well rounded we become. However, having said that , I must also say that I believe that the connections we make with people in our lives, no matter who they are or what level they happen on, should enhance our lives and make them more enjoyable. Even in my most platonic relationships, I don’t keep people around who negatively impact my life, hurt me or my relationships, or add drama. That doesn’t change for my romantic / flirty relationships. As a matter of fact, it becomes even more important.
For me, the relationships I involve myself in need to add value to my life. Either they need to be teaching me something or they need to be adding fun and adventure or they need to be helping me grow in some way. These healthy connections are what life is all about for me. If the relationship develops into something that is filled with unrealistic expectations, unnecessary drama, or more fuss than fun… it becomes a relationship that needs evaluating and restructuring or possible elimination.
I’ve had an exceptional marriage for the last 14 years. It has been more fun than fuss. More happy than sad and there has been very little drama. It has been a healthy balance of respect and honesty, communication and growth. We communicate, we don’t lie to each other. We work hard to make each other’s lives easier and more enjoyable. I don’t think it is too much to expect that any additional relationships I develop will function the same.
I do non-monogamy because it enhances my primary relationship. It gives us different perspectives on things… on life and love and relationships. It gives us stories to tell and things to talk about. It gives us people to spend our lives with and do things with. It reminds us how amazing our love is… how amazing our life is… It adds spice to an already incredible relationship. It adds fun and adventure. It adds an entirely new dimension to life as we know it. Seeing the way other women want Daddy, helps me to remember that I am truly lucky and tremendously blessed to be the one he loves, who he trusts enough to share everything with. That is a position I never want to take for granted. Knowing there is a line out the door of women that would gladly take my place, ensures that I do all that I can to not become lax in the things that brought me to that position in his life. His allowing me to live my life to the fullest, to have all the experiences makes me so grateful to him, makes me love him even more than I already do (I didn’t even know that was possible, but I have definitely learned that it is), it makes me so appreciative of him, so thankful for the blessing that he is to my life. To watch him enjoy his external relationships, to see him having fun with the women he brings into his life, thrills me. It excites me and makes my heart skip a beat when I see the smile or hear the laugh that his interactions with them brings.
I do non-monogamy because it is fun. It is fun to flirt. It is fun to touch and be touched in lots of different ways, new and exciting ways and comforting and deeply familiar ways. It is fun to go on dates. I love dates… dates nights with my sexy Daddy and dates with pretty girls and dates with fun new possibles and group dates, coffee dates and lunch dates and dinner dates and pretty much any other kind of date. It is fun to experience new things with new people and it’s fun to experience new things with familiar people. It’s fun when a bbq at the house degenerates to something close to an orgy and your partners are touching and kissing his partners and you are touching and he is kissing and everyone is caught up in all the good and sexy feels. It’s fun when you bump into each other at the club and you end up strapped to a cross, being co-topped by a couple of your partners or on your knees servicing your man with one of his other girls. It’s fun when a potluck dinner with friends ends with all the toyboxes being opened and the all the owie, stingy, thuddy things being used on willing flesh as the wielders of said implements bounce ideas and energy off each other. It’s fun to do things in groups of varying relationships levels, poly pods, and fun to do things one on one with people you love, people you trust, people who’s company you love to be in. It is fun to see how different people are and experience those differences fully. It is interesting and wonderful to celebrate and enjoy those differences. It’s fun when everyone knows the boundaries and respects them… when expectations are understood and managed. It is about the journey of discovery… of ourselves and of others and the gifts that we bring to each other’s lives.
It’s not always an easy choice, non-monogamy. It’s not always fun. It’s not always about smiles and laughing and all the good and sexy feels… but it is always interesting and when done right, well worth the effort put in. That is why I do it. That is why I can’t imagine going back to monogamy. That is why I will continue to communicate with Daddy, even when it sucks and even when it’s tough, and work hard to find the just right recipe of swinging, kink, openness and poly that works for us and the people who become a part of our lives and whose lives we are blessed to become a part of.
How about you? Why do you poly? Why do you open?
An interesting quiz I found while looking for information and photos for this post. I was very curious so I took it.